Looking back on last year's entries, I feel as though I preached through my entries; as if I was methodically writing an entry that was packed with pessimism, rhetoric and isolationalism. So this entry marks the beginning of new journaling. Open-minded and free-expression. Can't wait.

I've been in a dark place now for a long time. I am not always in this dark place, but it affects me even through the good times.. which is troubling to me during these hard times.

My family is struggling like we've never struggled before. I will refrain from inserting objectivity here by telling the situation the way it is--a complete and throwaway mess.

My parents are financially supporting my sister in Boston. They pay for her rent, health care bills, education, transporation, groceries-- you name it they pay it right now as she is unemployed, depressed and hardpressed right now to make an immediate change. And I when I say hardpressed, I mean that the concepts of family strucuture and conflict resolution do not occur to Sarah all the time. My parents keep a close watch of her, but it's not the same vice versa for her.

Through hard times, there must be power that stablizes things via control, 'law' and order. Yet,our family seems like a weak government in that the economic circumstances pave the way to many stresses both emotional and physical that make the 'government' or order weak in our family. And when there is weak order from all members in the family, there is a disintegrating sense of control and order putting certain elements in power and leaving out other elements due to the lack of structure and order.

My siste is not participatory in that she does not realistically or actively seek control or independence of her life. My parents see that her self-responsibility is amiss, but they do not seem to work for a better situation. They simply fulfill their 'deemed' responsibilites of supporting here on all levels of need. If my sister truly cared about branching off from my parents financial and emotional chokehold, she would not be wallowing and actively working in a part-time job to pay off her own rent, or whatever it takes to do it 'on-her-own'. I realize that the health care industry in this country could give half a shit about Diabetes so they make it impossible for bills to be paid, but that is not an excuse to hold sarah in the nok of financial and emotional responsibility.

I find myself in an in-between state, where I am just beginning to realize that it must take a lot in the interim to get to a better place in the future that entails my own independence, order and rule without financial strain on my parents. I am trying so hard to deal with this situation through the Gandian philosophy over, "being-the-change you wish to see in the world". Every day I practice something that is outside of myself whether mentally or actually. It is my responsibility in the current time right now--the transient time, to practice self-independence in all the ways possible from a small to large scale.

I am starting by working at Goodwill, interning at VRRP, taking classes, meeting new people (to come) to really branch away in another mental and physical capacity that really shapes who i am in many beautiful ways. Tomorrow, I start to fulfill this life.

As for my parents, I worry about them everyday. I see the way my Dad gets upset when my mom leaves at a quarter to 8 in the morning on a Sunday to get to her second job. I see the way my mom can not go through a day without worrrying about my sister getting things together ... there is so much at stake here. It is painful for me to put myself in my 56-year old Mother's shoes. Imagining working two jobs that I couldn't stand, worrying about my father who is struggling with an ambiguous respiratory illness that comes up almost every moment, oh... and dealing with financial and emotional heartache from current and past wounds that stem from her own upbringing to her family situation now. All while allowing me to go to the University for free... is unimaginable. My mom has done so much for me and for this family. She is less than 10 years away from retirement age, but she is still working as hard as she can to be there for us in any way she can. She is truly a special human being.  I honor, respect and love my mom to eternity, but in a lot of ways it is so difficult for me to interact with her on a daily basis due to the stresses she experiences from her situation. She can be hurtful in her statements, "don't talk to me now", "you don't care."... it is sometimes hard to look behind those statements and express deep understanding and listening all the time. But I am trying.. I am trying to hard... it's a day by day thing for sure.

My dad is sick and we don't know with what. But I still love him forever... despite whatever happens. It is my challenge to do the same I do with my dad as I do with my mom. I must try hard not to break down, freakout, and runaway from this situation as if it and I were failures to the cause.

I feel as though I have a lot of responsibility in bridging conflict or foreseable conflict in this house. I am relatively doing well, with school, with organization and with plans dreams for the future. I have an amazing set of friends and I consider living life to the fullest a critical component of life.

So with that said, I have to be peaceful for my family and for myself. I have to show that I am more mature than conflict and rise above the past hatred and fear that is in my heart and mind and move forward with dignity, discipine, forthrightness, and progression.

It my responsibility now... until we are at a better place. I know we will be. I can see us there.

it's a funny world when we see unexpected actions from those we consider to be our friends.

SPINNING SO FAR AWAY FROM REALITY
I AM.
SPINNING SO FAR AWAY FROM ME.
SHE IS.
SINNING.
WAITING.
SMILING.
CRYING.
BEGGING.
FEELING NOTHING.

it's a shame how much time we waste thinking about ourselves. Friendships are cultivated by giving and taking, not by indulging. That's something I've naturally understood as long as I could remember. It's in the most stressful of times that I slip out of my friendship badge and make up excuses for why I can't be more of a participatory friend.

i would be lying if i said that i didn't care about my family's wealth...because in my family, wealth means control, freedom and happiness. Those who have a hard time understanding or comprehending that are those who are too well-off to comprehend themselves.

I've been in the Washington Semester Program for more than 7 weeks now. In about 3 weeks, I will get on a plane with the rest of my IED class and fly out to Quito, Ecuador. This trip will mark my first overseas trip (excluding the Caribbean), let alone my first trip to a developing country. For a while I've been regretting not being able to speak spanish fluently, and as time passes and the date for departure nears, I feel even worse about it. But, all in all I feel optimistic about my trip to Ecuador, and eager to learn more of the language there.

This program has already taught me so much about the role of development in the world, but also about my self. I realize how fragile life is, and how precious every living being on this earth really is. There is so much meaning to all of us.. so much life and depth, yet the world is so complex that it makes it hard for us to truly have a hold on progressive change for all. I need to learn how to feel good about feasible, reasonable change that can be made by me, instead of backing off when I feel like the task at hand is much to great to achieve.

That's all for tonight.

 Looking back on these past few months, it's hard to believe that we are still moving in an amnesiatic direction. I have tried so many times to reverse the state of circumstances in my head. Denial and regression usually follow.

I should have gotten a job from day 1. I should have acknowledged the financial situation at home, before I went to liberate my mind and spirit. The reality is, no matter how far I run or how long I meditate for, I can not leave my family and this country that so conveniently mandates MORE, MORE, MORE. I wonder, if I used some kind of transcendent knowledge to lift me up from this hole... maybe things would get better. But my family is the mainstay and beating spirit of my being in this world. And I must first respond to them. I must be there for them, listen to them and let go of all fear.

I am struggling with the ramifications of my selfishness--not getting a stable job and sticking with it. No matter how crappy the job was, I would stay with it, suck it up and get through it... I would still have time to everything I longed or needed to do. It kills me that I didn't do this... as I am now seeing the impact of a desparate and miserable state of mind throughout my entire family. It is 2008, I am 20 years old and I am finally realizing what it is like to be in a truly unsatisfactory, low position. WORK is the answer. Work translates into money which translates into power which translates into freedom. Livelihoods can be paved but it takes energy, drive and the will to stay strong even through the most unfavorable of circumstances. Getting out of the mindsetting that you can keep living the way you do... waiting for that call back, waiting to hear some miraculous offer from the 3 stores that you applied to. Livelihoods are only paved when you search tirelessly until you finally receive an offer. 

My dad and mom never force my sister and I do anything that we really could not ethically agree with. But the definition of ethics now seems to be loosely defined. Working a 70-hour work week by subjecting yourself to hell listening to people hang up on you at least 100 times a day, or straining your muscles until blisters appear all over your body. It seems we are all neatly fit into a particular group in this society and we either deal and get through the hurt, or we fail considerably. 

I wish I had gotten a job that lasted the whole summer so that my parents would not be so worried and stressed out. I wish I could have recognized the incredible importance of the job earlier on... so that I wouldn't be experiencing the ramifications right now. I made the mistake of taking temporary positions like a telephone interviewer, phone-book delivery person and secret shopper. Those postions took up most of July. And now the inevitable shitshow has out-paced my response. My guilt is immense and my hurt strong. I long to tell my parents I love them.... but for now I close my eyes and let it out. 

There are so many questions unanswered in this life. Uncertainty is the only thing we are sure of. We rely on truth and will to get us through this life...and even that is hard to achieve. My sister keeps falling and I can not help her. That is a huge source of pain for me and my parents. It's emotionally and physically draining to be around her. Sometimes I long to tell her my fears and anecdotal stories, but it seems apparent that she is not up for that. Living in a habitual state of indolence, she rests and rests and rests. And continues to feel the same way. My heart feels so weak when I am around her because I know what she is feeling and it kills me that she feels so badly. I want to be for her soo much.. but she won't let me in. Maybe it's over-dramatic and useless to ponder, but I feel like gradually, I am joining her, by my own volition..in this sad life. 

Indolence is something I fear because I never want to do sit back and do nothing. There is so much out there.. but so much to earn before we can achieve what we search so earnestly and desparately for. It is overwhelming how much I involve myself in this situation and most of all these feelings I experience from this situation. I feel so indebted to everyone and that is quite a tough battle within. 

I have to believe that change is possible. I have to believe that from the outside, I can move in a good direction from here. Inevitably we all make mistakes, face difficulty and strife, yet somehow we all get through it. I never take the immense of beauty in this world for granted. There is always something for us to grab on to because we are of eachother. We all involved in this sharing process, both consciously and unconsciously.. we are always in control of who we are and that is probably the biggest power we have. Or at least I believe that right now. I have to believe that I am learning a lot from this. My parents deserve the best when this is all over... they deserve only the best. I have to believe and accept  that things will be difficult so that my days will seem more like days and unlike happenstances. 

For now.. I close my eyes again dreaming of a life sweet with love and truth that are free of stress and fear. 

 the sickest kind of hurt is the kind that rattles or bones and pains your heart. the kind of hurt that i am talking about is the hurt that you, yourself live in, or rather or choose to live in because your compassion for those you value the most in the world are the ones that help shape your life. But the hurt truly stems from a legitimate lack of understanding and meaning that mediates through the entire unit. The unit I am talking about is family. 

I continuously work for this family but I am continuously reminded that I do not DO enough. I've worked three different jobs this summer. I've tried to please my parents in every way I can.... I try to fill in the abyss that stems from stress and indignant situations or means. But it seems that abyss is too big for me. It is something that everyone needs to address and fucking move forward already. 

Lost, pained, struggling from stress and the ups and downs of compassion and zillions of justices or injustices that are still long overdue. I am indebted to so many living beings of beauty in this world... so many beautiful pieces of our earth that I constantly bypass because somehow my personal family situaiton is deemed as the be all end all. 

Feeling alone is a rotten. And it hurts the most when those close to you do not recognize your hurt. I constantly tell myself to be strong and force myself to confront the challenges that I hopefully expect will move me foreward. But sometimes, it's just so much easier to feel bad about yourself than to actually addresss and fight the pain. 

I know that there are so many other difficult situations in this world that do not even compare to my own. Yet it is hard to remind yourself of that when it gets too hard to stay strong. That is where I am now. Trying desparately to stay strong.. 

We are barely suriving on the surface right now. That is financially. Every dime that I've earned this summer has gone into my account. I do not spend money on entertainment, materials or other things that would otherwise be classified as wanted possessions that help consumerism stay strong. Normally, I am okay with that. But every now and then it gets too hard to go about the day when the worries and burdens of the current financial situation are staring me back in the face. My parents are like superheroes. I do not know how they do it. Yet because they do, they end up harsh and hasty in their demeanor. And that unfortunately, all too often is projected onto those they give the most to... their daughters. 

I believe.........

I believe

 I don't want to push her away, but everytime I try to breathe and be free with myself.. I find myself pushing her away. I suppose I am just angry that my needs are not being met. People tell you not to sweat the small stuff, but it's easier said than done. The troubling times are now, and I am feeling them NOW. It's ridiculous to pretend that it's not there and to just go on as nothing ever happened at all. 

Trust and honesty. Two things that I have been trying to rebuild with my family. I want my parents to trust me, but I want to feel comfortable enough with them to trust them. It's a difficult situation for sure, and it hurts when I see my entire family so depressed. My dad and mom will sleep until the mid-afternoon on the weekends, along with my sister who will get up around noon every day and go back to bed around 3 or 4....like clockwork. I keep saying to myself that I am like the sunshine after the storm here, but it's an enormous feat to try to amount to. The deprecative way that I feel has almost taken control of all of my normal instincts, and thus I am confronted with my boundaries that I would otherwise overcome or sidestep. 

Why do i feel like an enormous dark cloud is hanging over me all the time? It's that familiar cloud that reminds me of all the self-limitations inherent in my life. I want to bike to the woods with a plant and wildlife book in the back pocket of my pants and a light water bottle at my side. I want to sit at the river all day and write poetry and prose. I want to skinny-dip by a waterfall and meditate in the sun. I want to get closer to my spiritual side and feel the ground as the supportive structure that holds this very anthropogenic world together. I want to meet new people and talk with them about nature. I want to talk freely and openly about my aspirations and beliefs. I want to establish sustainable connections. I want to grow my own food and create forums in different towns about urban/sustainable living. I want to expand my dreams. I need to expand and complete myself.

 

Current Mood: contemplative

Today is Friday, June 20. I finished my first Spanish tutoring session with Margarie, from Venezuela. I consider myself blessed to have met such a sweet, warm young woman! I look forward to more of our sessions this summer. 

Besides trying to master the double RR pronouciation in spanish, Ive been quite the labyrinth. These past few days have been really tough on all of us. My uncle(on my dad's side) passed away this past Monday. He had been sick with Stage 4 Liver cancer since the beginning of April. My eyes and heart still swell when I think about him and my cousins who are all in mourning. When I was at the funeral service, I was reawakened to that lovely tangible death feeling once again. My first cousins were burying their father. My Aunt was struggling to stand on her feet as she shoveled dirt into her husband's grave. My entire body was shaking as my eyes filled with tears. As the Rabbi led us all in the mourner's Kaddish, I watched as my cousin, just a year younger, held her mother's hand with immense strength. I can not imagine losing my father at this moment. What provides me the strength to move on through this is the notion that my Uncle is never too far gone. His presence is inherent in everything we touch, feel, and breathe. He exists in our hearts, minds and souls. And his spirit is eternal. Physical life on earth has passed, yet eternal life has begun. I can only reach out to my Aunt and cousins during this time and remind them how strong Len's spirit really is. Before I close my eyes at night now, I say a prayer for my Uncle and for his family. 

I would imagine that my cousins are feeling guilty at this time and will most likely experience the feeling for some time. Feeling guilty because their father is not there to experience their lives on this earth, not there to hold their hand, kiss them on the cheek, eat with them at the dinner table, call them on the phone to say Hello, or wave goodbye to them as they end their Spring break vacation at home. I feel their pain, I feel their grief and I strongly pray that the lord stays with them during this time. They sit shiva for another 4 days so I plan on connecting with them through spiritual avenues during that time. 

It was really difficult to not be there for them after we sat shiva for 3 hours at their house. I wanted to be there for my cousins and Aunt. They are about to approach a new mode of living. Their livihood will likely change significantly, yet I dearly hope that their hopes and dreams do not wither. My cousins are both incredibly intelligent, genuine individuals with lots of love to give. I would really like to see them this summer before I go off to D.C., so I am going to make a honest effort to get down to Danvers in July or August. I miss them already. 

I feel incredibly lucky to be alive today. I feel lucky to have a father and mother who care so dearly for my sister and I albeit our conflicts from time to time. I feel incredibly lucky to be with them. But I am afraid that i do not acknowledge their presence as much as I should. Let's be there for our family, through the good and the bad. But let us recognize the transient state of all of us on this earth. Let us all remember that we are all essentially made up of the same fabric. Let us all realize and speak to that every moment of each day. Let us remember that we will face many obstacles in this life, yet we have the ability to overcome them in a constructive and healthy way...if we want to. Don't be fearful that you will not pass, because by doing that, you are starting your own battle with yourself. We are all beautiful creatures in our way. We have so much to give and so much to SHARE. 

The golden rule is not enough. Create your own golden rule and live by it. Be your own friend before you extend your friendship to someone else. 

I love life and I do not intend on wasting it. 

Thanks for reading. 

Current Mood: thankful

Last night I dreamt that a small group of violent boys came into our house and told me that they were about to set it ablaze.  I ran to tell my sister and parents what I had just heard but they wouldn't move nor listen. I ran to the back of the house to deter the strange terrorists but i came to no avail. My family was not behind me. All of a sudden the house was on fire. In an anxious hustle to leave through the backdoor, the terrorists blocked the backdoor exit with storage supplies(mostly family items). By this time my family was trying to get out of the house but couldn't because of the blocked doorway. I hurridly threw all of the heavy storage down the stairway and pulled my parents and sister through the backdoor. My mom's hand was badly burnt. I had that big sement block feeling in my stomach.

I am slowly suffocating in a world and age of false reason. I do not know if I can take it much longer without cracking. I am sitting in an empty room with no furniture, nothing... sitting on the floor listening to the yelling and maddening defiances that echo throughout this empty apartment. 

I do not know how to fix this situation. I do not even think that would be achievable BY me. It's just difficult being in the middle and absorbing the conflict from the outside. My sister, who is now 22, just graduated yesterday. She is a type 1 Diabetic with a strong dependence on insulin and diabetic supplies that are only attainable now through my parents health care benefits at work. For about  7 months now, she has been looking for a job for college-graduates in marketing that supplies health benefits so that she continue to use her pump that sustains her health and ultimate existence on this earth. It is now May 19 2008 and she does not have a job nor does she have a definitive plan. My parents, as expected can not see through these facts. So in turn there are arguments, one after the next all reaching a dead end. For 22 years my parents have supported us economically,  and just about in every way parents could support their children. They are hooked and 110% dedicated to us each and every moment of each day.  A huge part of their parenting and care has been tailored towards my sister's subsistence in this world. As a type 1 diabetic, sarah faces extreme health consequences without insulin or proper care such as hypo/hyper-glycemic attacks, blindness, respiratory and liver problems and the worst of all, death without monitoring blood glucose levels. That fact alone puts a life-time literla and sentimental obligation on my parents to always support and be there for her. 

Right now, she is in a monumental position based on societal and traditional processes. She is a college-graduate, 22 years old... based on dominant societal figures, she should be independent-ready with a job in the works, or a set plan to go on. That plan is not there. There is no set and tangible plan that clearly outlines the means and the ends of her goals that ensue independence and success on her own. Therefore, the parents are not dealing with what they are currently being told by my sister.....

Given the current circumstances, sarah has agreed to move back to Vermont tomorrow morning. However, the ideas of what Sarah will be doing in Vermont are not the same and therefore my parents and my sister are not seeing eye to eye and they are currently fighting it out.. in what looks to be a way to find a resolution. This is something that has always been apparent in my family, and yet I still find that I really have no say in the matter, ergo it is difficult for me to really be there. (or just to be as is) Sarah would like to take a GMAT class in VT to prepare for business school(just decided by her last night). The argument is not that, the argument lies in the fact that Sarah does not want to be employed in Vermont while she is taking the class. While she is unemployed and taking the class, she plans on searching for more jobs with benefits that are out-of-state. My parents are satisfied with Sarah's acceptance in coming home. They are troubled and opposed to her being unemployed while she does both of the aforementioned activities. This is no suprise given the way that we have been raised. It has always been extremely difficult for us to make ends meet---success and material objects have only been achieved in the past through hard work in this economy and society. Socioeconomically, we fit the paradigm of the middle-class. It is not that hard to understand, yet my sister grapples with it I believe. I do not like taking sides. I do not like arguing over dead-end issues. I do not like listening to someone yell or speak poorly of someone. And yet I am experiencing all of these things through my parents and my sister. I try to take the mediating role for I am not 'involved' in the situation that so consumes and rocks my world every day. I choose to be aware, because without being aware, I would not be a member of this family unit. And even further, I would not be rationally or logically living, really. All 20 years of my life, I've always had things handed to me, lived in this, breathed in this, strained through this and that... 

To deliberatly leave on my own and be in this world on my own...would be peculiar. I am not in a life-threatening position (well, depending on how you believe in that idea... I just tend to believe I am living), I am not coarsely unwell, I am not a hater and I am certainly not someone to run away from a situation that has the POSSIBILITY of being resolved. I live in a realm of uncertainty and possibility. I am the optimist in that realm. 

I am the subconscious serene spirit in this situation. I move with the motions and I live and let live. That has been my life for the past year, and yet, now that I think about it, it could very well be my role for some good time now. I do not know what else I can do at the moment to provide resilience to the unmotivated minds of my family, but I do know that I have a lot of potential to render that resilience and I will..... I will.

Thanks for reading.

i am one with my skin
i am one with the ground
i am one with the trees that encompass me
i am one with the sky that protects me
i am one with the animals that whisper softly in my ear
i am one with those i love
i am one with those i know
i am one with those i have known of
i am one with those i haven't known
i am one with those countless unnamed. 

I can not really describe how I am feeling right now. I know that I feel different than my normal self though, as i am writing in my live journal which usually means the entry will be self-substantial. 

my sister is slowly destroying my parents spirit and i can see it, hear it, experience it first hand. it is incredibly difficult to watch a sibling with so much saddness, so much rage lash out at you and every member of your family because of reasons that we can not explain or understand. and as it is never anyone's fault that another is depressed, i surely tend to think so every waking moment of the day. i am crushed by what i am experiencing. a countless struggle to support, love and be there for my sister has continually provided me with heartache, disbelief and quite frankly has left me with more unanswered questions than any other digression of sadness i've seen her experience before... and like i said, i can not really describe it in words. it is extremely disheartening, and metaphorically speaking, it's ripping a piece of my heart out with every single negative, demeaning or disappointed utterance i hear from her mouth, with every physical outburst of anger.. and with all those words left unsaid. I do not know what to do. i found myself on the floor before i went to write this entry.. just simply asking outloud, "where can i find the light?" "I need to see the light...that is in all of us." I do not know whether i need to pursue sutyding/practicisng judaism, or if i need to turn to a more in-depth mindful power that will bring me strength and the willingness to believe in that light(perhaps buddhism?) or perhaps i just need to become more connected to everything, every living and non-living entity that surrounds and envelopes me. I know that is it, because I can feel it deep inside me...and i can envision a peaceful mindful world ahead when i believe in that mindful sphere of connection. the problems that i see that block me from emanating my light and outreach to every single mind and and body is my instantaneous moment-to moment lifestyle that i can not immediately detach myself from. my sister is my heart and soul. she is my stone, so incredibly valued in my heart and soul, she is an immense part of my life.. through the conflict, tantrums, aggression, suppression, victimization, persecution, all that she does to provoke a response in someone that wasn't the response the soul and spirit mind and body really wanted to espouse, yet we find that response is sometimes uncontrollable, it's on a retroactive key. somewhere in the process of trying to be there for my sister, we somehow divert from the original path of caring, protecting and nurishing her because we are perpetually in the same situation: we receive the projected anger, saddness and threats... somehow we become unconscious and nonmindful about the way she really feels because we are beings of sound, we are tied to words, the words and actions that have an intense effect on us because we are not sarah. we are not completely sad and angry about life... so it becomes simple and automated how we react without reason. 

complete chaos ensues. and quite frankly i am done writing this because it is way too much for me to handle right now.